Revealed: NSA has a Shitty Business Model

Among the worst revelations in this week’s scandal involving the National Security Agency and its capability to spy on Americans is what a shitty business model it follows.

“I mean, Facebook went public and made billions of dollars thanks to its access to my private information,” said George Sneed, an expert in tech company business models. “NSA is already public and yet it is constantly begging for money from Congress and crying about the sequester. Surely NSA could do a better job than Facebook with the ads I see in my news feed?”

Marketing expert Joe Franklin agreed. “Let’s face it, we all click that ‘I Agree’ button without ever reading twenty-five pages of crap written in six-point font telling us these companies can sell our information. NSA is being a little pussy. It should try to get in on that action. I’m a taxpayer, which makes me a stakeholder. I’d like to see NSA make some bank off this info. Maybe then we could all pay fewer taxes. That would totally show those terrorists!”

“They have all that information and they’re not selling it? They just hold on to it?” asked Tim Otto, a man on the street. “Uh, hello? Capitalism? Isn’t that what freedom is about?”

Others, like Amanda Wilkes of Maryland, were pleased to learn their government was capable of accomplishing something. “After watching a do-nothing Congress for so long, I was losing hope that the government actually functioned at all,” she said.

Also Revealed: NSA Spies

Edward Snowden, the ironic hipster responsible for bringing the scandal surrounding NSA’s shitty business model to light, let drop more revelations today. In an interview with the South China Morning Post, he revealed that the United States has been spying on China and Honk Kong for years.

The Chinese government responded to this bombshell with a collective sigh of a billion people. “Phew!” said a Chinese government spokesman. “We thought that building in Fort Meade was a clandestine Apple factory and the United States was plotting to take away our jobs. We are so pleased to learn that the NSA actually spies.”

Snowden, wearing a “You Don’t Know Me” t-shirt, acknowledged the irony in his hiding in China. “It seemed like a good idea when I was fleeing with four classified laptops,” he said, pushing his hipster glasses up on his nose. “I figured with all these documents I had a pretty good insurance policy and could yap all I wanted about free speech and authoritarian regimes intruding on our private lives. But hiding out in hotel rooms gives you time to think, you know. Now that I’ve had some time to read Chairman Mao’s Red Book, okay, I see it now. Yeah, it’s kind of funny. Maybe I should have paid more attention in history class instead of playing Dungeons & Dragons.”

Snowden meanwhile has hired a marketing firm to help brand him as a hero, whistleblower, and patriot, after some critics called him a traitor. “I did not see that coming,” he said. “After WikiLeaks and Manning, it seemed so trendy, I figured everyone would just get behind me on this. So I was a little surprised by the reaction of some people. But this marketing company is really helping me out. Good thing I have so much information to sell. Not sure I could afford to hire them otherwise. But I am confident the Snowden brand will be big. The Chinese, at least, have expressed interest.” 

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