Month May 2015

ISIS Suicide Bomber Wait List Has Chechens Seething, But Not Dying

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A Chechnya-based jihadi fighter for the Islamic State (ISIS) complained recently that the waiting list for ISIS suicide bombers is too long and that Saudi militants are using nepotism to push their friends and relatives to the top of the wannabe martyr list.

The Chechens are upset because the Saudi wasta gangstas are essentially cutting the line to Paradise rather than proving their merit. Worse, while the Chechens wait to reach the top of the martyr list that will bring them to 72 virgins bearing fruit, they have to find a real job in Syria or Iraq (and possibly face 72 Virginians bearing guns).

Chechens are notoriously low in the militant pecking order, having only really poked the Great Bear, rather than taken on the Great Satan. And without rich benefactors or family members who love their relatives so much they want to see them explode in a timely manner, the Chechens might be sitting on that waiting list for a long time.

Here are some other complaints the Chechens have launched against ISIS’s Suicide Bomber Program:

  • Saudi martyrs get to use tripped out, hyper-suspension Mercedes with vanity plates for their vehicle-borne IED attacks, while Chechens must use stripped-bare Yugos with a tennis ball on the stick shift.
  • No selfie sticks allowed.
  • Donkey-borne IEDs are higher on the waiting list than Chechens.
  • To move up on the list, those who aspire to self-detonation must spend at least one month countering the State Department’s propaganda Twitter feed.

Re-Up: Fruit Fetish

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A guy in Japan just bought a pair of melons for $12,400. No, I’m not referring to fake “melons” (as in, he bought his girlfriend a $12,400 rack). No, actual melons.

So this seemed a good time to re-up my post about Japan’s fruit fetish, first published last year. And before you ask: no, I still have not bought a square watermelon. Enjoy!

(originally published May 28, 2014)

Fruit Fetish 

If you are a member of the Super Rich, and I hope you are, you probably buy your fruit in Japan. Because no one does fruit like Japan, except maybe a pricycle (look it up).

I started following Japanese fruit fancies back at the turn of the century, when I didn’t sound like an old person by using phrases like “turn of the century.” That’s when I first heard about square watermelons.

Japanese farmers started growing watermelons in the shape of a square whose dimensions fit exactly those of the standard Japanese refrigerator shelf. The convenient shape took up less space in what was prized real estate, given the size of Japanese fridges.

My initial reaction was, “Square watermelons? That’s so fucking weird.” But now, after thinking it through and recognizing that we here in the United States make mini watermelons, my reaction is, “Square watermelons? That’s still so fucking weird.”

These cubic crops are not cheap. They go for about $82 a square melon. For comparison, Tokyo’s real estate average is about $7,600 a square foot. So really, your watermelon should be paying more for taking up all that space.

Which is probably why a pair of Japanese cantaloupe melons sold at auction last year for $15,730.

Slightly more affordable are bananas. Gokusen bananas sell for about $5.70 each. To be considered worthy of this “premium” produce moniker, the banana must be at least 23 centimeters in length and weigh no less than 200 grams. (According to Dole, the average banana weighs around half that).

Some surveys list Japanese men as being on the lower end of the penis size scale, and one has to wonder if this banana fetish is correlated in any scientific way. Ok, one doesn’t have to wonder, but I will anyway. Where are the data?

I feel like I am digressing. Where was I? Penises. No, wait. Fruit.

The Gokusen bananas come in their own box and are often given as gifts. Which should make Justin Timberlake and the Lonely Island proud.

You also can’t be just anyone to pop a Japanese cherry. In some shops, where fruit is laid out in cases like jewels in Tiffany’s, a box of cherries can go for nearly $160. So you better really want that juicy flesh.

Why do the Japanese love their fruit? Why do the French love their wine? Why I am writing this? Actually, because initially I was going to bring this round to some argument about inequality and luxury goods. Clearly that didn’t happen. I got sidetracked, probably right around the time I mentioned penises. But on the bright side, I can write about inequality another day and for now go get angry that my watermelon keeps rolling around my fridge.