ISIS Suicide Bomber Wait List Has Chechens Seething, But Not Dying

A Chechnya-based jihadi fighter for the Islamic State (ISIS) complained recently that the waiting list for ISIS suicide bombers is too long and that Saudi militants are using nepotism to push their friends and relatives to the top of the wannabe martyr list.

The Chechens are upset because the Saudi wasta gangstas are essentially cutting the line to Paradise rather than proving their merit. Worse, while the Chechens wait to reach the top of the martyr list that will bring them to 72 virgins bearing fruit, they have to find a real job in Syria or Iraq (and possibly face 72 Virginians bearing guns).

Chechens are notoriously low in the militant pecking order, having only really poked the Great Bear, rather than taken on the Great Satan. And without rich benefactors or family members who love their relatives so much they want to see them explode in a timely manner, the Chechens might be sitting on that waiting list for a long time.

Here are some other complaints the Chechens have launched against ISIS’s Suicide Bomber Program:

  • Saudi martyrs get to use tripped out, hyper-suspension Mercedes with vanity plates for their vehicle-borne IED attacks, while Chechens must use stripped-bare Yugos with a tennis ball on the stick shift.
  • No selfie sticks allowed.
  • Donkey-borne IEDs are higher on the waiting list than Chechens.
  • To move up on the list, those who aspire to self-detonation must spend at least one month countering the State Department’s propaganda Twitter feed.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s