The Porn Ultimatum

The Colorado House this week unanimously passed a bill to outlaw revenge porn, which means I can no longer blackmail my ex-lover by posting nude pics of him on the Internet. So there goes Friday night’s plan.

The risqué rumpus began when Colorado Springs resident and balloon with hair fuzz Craig Brittain launched a web site that posted nude and explicit photos of people without their permission. Critics named it “revenge porn,” but Brittain called it entertainment, saying his objective was to “be big and make money.”

Admittedly, it’s a good business model, especially when you refuse to remove any photos unless the victim pays the Take Down Lawyer $250. An investigation found that Brittain and the Take Down Lawyer used the same IP address and likely the same computer. Extortion? I say he’s just creating operational efficiencies.

Brittain’s real stroke of entrepreneurial genius was linking the photos to people’s Facebook and other social media profiles and to the victim’s phone number. Brittain calls this “background information” to help viewers really get to know who they are looking at and explains that he tells the site’s users not to call the phone numbers.

That’s great customer service, because how is a user supposed to search for that kind of information when he’s got one hand under the desk and the other reaching for a Kleenex?

In an interview with Denver’s local CBS news station, Brittain repeatedly stated he does not want to shame the people whose photos are on his site, which is presumably why—when asked by the journalist why he refused to remove their pictures when they asked—he calls the victims flagrant liars. Because nothing says respect like calling someone a flagrant liar and posting nude photos of them online without their consent. #Winning!

Hats off to Colorado for pushing this bill forward (although all other clothing and accessories will stay on, since I don’t want to risk any freaky photos popping up anywhere). The legislators and attorneys who helped shape this bill have renewed our faith that you’re not all high.