The Intelligence Community: Smart People Looking at Computers (Part 5)

Welcome to Part 5 of my 6-part series, The Intelligence Community: Smart People Looking at Computers. Last week, we learned who controls the satellites that are controlling our minds and who knows what we really think about our relatives’ significant others.

I’ll be releasing the final (and best!) section (on CIA!) next week. But if you’d like the full essay now, sign up for my mailing list and I’ll send you the whole thing, for free, with a personal thank you note! Your very own thank you note from a former spy! Written in invisible ink! Just kidding. You’ll be able to read it. But sign up! Now! Go!

And be sure to check my book pageVictor in the Rubble, a satire of the CIA and the War on Terror, will be published April 15. We’ll be hosting all kinds of fun parties and events, including come-in-disguise parties in Washington, DC, NYC, and Denver. Sign up for updates! And check out my indiegogo page for more details.

Missed Part 1? Read it here.

Missed Part 2? Read it here.

Missed Part 3? Read it here.

Missed Part 4? Read it here.


The Intelligence Community:

Smart People Looking at Computers

(Part 5)


Department of State, Bureau of Intelligence and Research

State’s Bureau of Intelligence and Research has the acronym INR, which makes you wonder if it’s actually the Bureau of Intelligence ‘n Research. According to its web site, it “harnesses intelligence.” I think that’s a fancy way of saying it analyzes intelligence, but I may be wrong and State’s intelligence is planning to climb a mountain.

INR produces intelligence reports to help diplomats be diplomatic. They provide evidence in a tactful way.

State Department officers are the responsible kids. Whenever NSA or CIA have a massive party and break everything, State cleans up the mess and calms down Mom and Dad when they threaten to throw the little jerks out. They also smooth things out with the neighbor whose house got lit on fire.

Army Intelligence, Navy Intelligence, Air Force Intelligence, Marine Corps Intelligence, Coast Guard Intelligence

These agencies collect and analyze tactical and strategic military intelligence for their respective branches, and as intelligence agencies, they are all under command of the Pentagon, with one exception. The Coast Guard did something to piss off someone in high places because it got sent to live with the evil stepparent better known as DHS. I could dig into reams of amended federal code that explains why and how, but I won’t, because I know DNI has it under control. We are in good hands.

Drug Enforcement Administration

These are the buzz kill guys. They are the reason you are hooked on Oxycodone and not cocaine. You might be really pissed about that if you weren’t so legally high.

They will remind you that the Taliban grow and sell opium to fund their war against us, and that South American drug cartels fly their product to West Africa, where it moves north to Europe, but not before moving through al-Qaeda and Boko Haram territory and everyone deals their deals. As a result, if you do drugs, you are fueling arms shipments and crazy ass terrorists.

I’d be really worried about this if I weren’t taking Xanax.

Department of the Treasury

Do you remember that scene in All the President’s Men when Deep Throat tells Robert Redford to “Follow the money”? That was good advice, and the Department of the Treasury was paying attention. It turns out, if you want to covertly build a nuclear weapon or amass a load of illegal weapons to use in a terrorist attack, you need to buy things. Those nukes don’t just grow on trees. They require cash. They also require willing intermediaries, who sell secrets for cash. Basically, trafficking in any product is a cash industry, and Treasury watches the money and slaps sanctions on people breaking the rules.

Department of Energy

I always imagined the Department of Energy must be full of really energetic and bubbly people. Its Office of Intelligence and Counterintelligence is entrusted with keeping safe the “brain trust” of DOE’s myriad plants and national laboratories, where, I imagine, lazy rats are just getting fat and happy off the system. DOE also ensures the security of our nation’s energy supply, to make sure our computers stay on and all these IC folks have something to look at.

Up Next: CIA

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